Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
