Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Found the puke drawer
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
