I wish my penis had an off switch
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
