Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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