when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
