I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
