There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
