She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
