I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
