there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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