yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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