I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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