After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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