ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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