so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
