how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
