He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Less talking, more tequila
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
