You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I think I sprained my soul last night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
