Taylor Swift is so right about you.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
