Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
