I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
