I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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