Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He better not be in your backpack
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
