i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize