Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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