I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
