Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
