Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
