If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
