Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
