so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
