bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
