I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
