sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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