You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
