I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
