I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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