Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
