I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
