I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
