i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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