he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
