I hate your face
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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