We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
