Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
