either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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