when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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