3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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