So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
