Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
jump out the window naked night went bad
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
