I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
