if you like me you must not know who I am
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Couch. On fire.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
