My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
